Rational Parenting at 6 AM? I Think Not.

Approaching parenting as a business is going to be harder than I thought. If this morning is any indication, then it’s a total failure! In my defense, I wasn’t really thinking about implementing this philosophy until I finished work (8 more days, but who’s counting!). But reacting less emotionally will not be as easy as I thought … and this morning’s offense wasn’t even that bad!

I am NOT a morning person. Neither is my husband. We are very fortunate to have two children who are good sleepers. Both kids slept through the night early on, and we never had to even consider any type of sleep training. Our children generally stay in be until around 7:00/7:15. Pre-children-me would be horrified, but current, real-life, Mommy-me is just fine with that.

We were also fortunate that when we moved R into a bed, a little over a year ago, he would stay in bed until one of us came to get him. He only started coming out of bed on his own following a family vacation this past April (when R- gleeful over sharing a room with us – jumped out of bed every morning, ran to open the shades, and announced, “I’M UP!!!”). This is when it became apparent that he had previously remained in bed, awake, for some time before calling for us, as he now showed up in our bedroom as early as 6 AM (and on some very unfortunate mornings - closer to 5).

I recently identified a great solution. This amazing clock glows green when it’s okay to wake up. I set it for 7 AM and most mornings it has worked great. R comes into my room a little after 7 and proudly announces that his clock is green.

This morning, at 6:15, that was not the case. I know I know, many moms can only dream of getting to sleep until 6:15. But I’m used to the good life and don’t take kindly to losing 45 minutes of precious, lovely, wonderful sleep! So, my reaction may not have been so great. It went something like this:

R: “Ma Ma” (yes, my very verbal almost 4 year old still calls me Ma Ma, a story for another time)
Me: [Groggily] “Good morning cutie-pie”
[Look at clock – time registers – shock and dismay set in]
Me: “R, It’s too early! Your clock isn’t green yet. Go back to bed!”
R: [Whining] “No”
Me: “Please go into your room and check to see what color your clock is. If it’s not green yet, please go back to bed.”
R: “OK…”
[At this point I’m relieved and shocked at how easily he agreed to listen to me]
R: “… You come with me.”
Me: [With increasing frustration] “I’m not coming with you. You’re a big boy, go by yourself.”
R: [Loud whining] “Yes! You will come with me!”
Me: [Getting testy] “You have 2 choices: come into my bed and stay quiet so that I can go back to sleep, or go back to your bed. But I am NOT going with you!”

Cue tantrum.

This is the point at which I told him to leave my room if he couldn’t stop crying.

Didn’t work.

I then escorted a screaming, struggling child at 6:20 in the morning to his room to witness the color of his clock – yellow. I instructed him to get back into his bed.

He refused.

I – huffily – agreed to allow him to come into my bed as long as he remained silent until I told him it was okay to wake up. This worked for about 15 minutes until he started requesting a drink.

Long story short, I was not very “nice” to my son during that 45 minute exchange. Yes, he broke a rule (stay in bed until the light turns green), and no he did not speak nicely to me or listen to me when I asked him to do something (shocking!), but my reaction was probably not called for. I could have lived without those 45 minutes of sleep (it wasn’t exactly quality sleep after that exchange anyway). I also – had I not been influenced by my desire to sleep – may have been able to handle it in a kinder and more productive manner.

Will R come out of bed tomorrow before his clock turns green? Probably not. Do I feel good about how I spent my limited time with my son before leaving for work this morning? Definitely not.

Now all I can do is learn from this.

If this were a business situation, what would I have done?

An analogous business situation might be if I had provided clear direction to someone (say, an agency) on a project and they chose to disregard the direction, yielding an unsatisfactory result. I have dealt with similar situations in the workplace – how would I address this one?

For starters, there would be no yelling or screaming. I would take the time to collect my thoughts and provide feedback in a firm and constructive manner.

I would let the agency know that its results were not satisfactory and it was because they ignored my direction. I would make sure it was clear that that is not acceptable to me. I would make recommendations as to how they could improve on this in the future. It’s okay if they don’t always agree with my way of doing things. However, let’s have a discussion and make sure we’re aligned on the way forward. Don’t just go ahead, without consulting me, and assume I’ll be okay with the result. That doesn’t work and is a waste of everyone’s time.

OK – so how does that attitude apply to a not quite rational 3 year old? The first 2 elements of my business analogy are key:
A) No screaming or yelling
B) Take the time to collect my thoughts and organize my response in my head.

The other lesson learned from the analogy is to allow a certain amount of flexibility. The way I want to do things may not work for R all the time. I doesn’t mean that I have to accept his way of doing things, but we can try to work together to find something that works for both of us.

A better solution may have been to avoid a fight by allowing him into my bed on the condition that he remains quiet. Then, when I was more awake and thinking more clearly, I could have explained to him why he should have stayed in bed and even provided some incentive for him to stay in bed tomorrow (make it into a contest? Who can stay in bed longer?).

As I approach my new 24/7 Mommy job, I know I will have to be more thoughtful in my interactions with my children so that we all remain happy and sane. This morning’s disaster was a good wake-up call (pun kind of intended) from which I can hopefully learn in order to improve and grow as I undertake this new venture.

What would you have done?