Rational Parenting at 6 AM? I Think Not.

Approaching parenting as a business is going to be harder than I thought. If this morning is any indication, then it’s a total failure! In my defense, I wasn’t really thinking about implementing this philosophy until I finished work (8 more days, but who’s counting!). But reacting less emotionally will not be as easy as I thought … and this morning’s offense wasn’t even that bad!

I am NOT a morning person. Neither is my husband. We are very fortunate to have two children who are good sleepers. Both kids slept through the night early on, and we never had to even consider any type of sleep training. Our children generally stay in be until around 7:00/7:15. Pre-children-me would be horrified, but current, real-life, Mommy-me is just fine with that.

We were also fortunate that when we moved R into a bed, a little over a year ago, he would stay in bed until one of us came to get him. He only started coming out of bed on his own following a family vacation this past April (when R- gleeful over sharing a room with us – jumped out of bed every morning, ran to open the shades, and announced, “I’M UP!!!”). This is when it became apparent that he had previously remained in bed, awake, for some time before calling for us, as he now showed up in our bedroom as early as 6 AM (and on some very unfortunate mornings - closer to 5).

I recently identified a great solution. This amazing clock glows green when it’s okay to wake up. I set it for 7 AM and most mornings it has worked great. R comes into my room a little after 7 and proudly announces that his clock is green.

This morning, at 6:15, that was not the case. I know I know, many moms can only dream of getting to sleep until 6:15. But I’m used to the good life and don’t take kindly to losing 45 minutes of precious, lovely, wonderful sleep! So, my reaction may not have been so great. It went something like this:

R: “Ma Ma” (yes, my very verbal almost 4 year old still calls me Ma Ma, a story for another time)
Me: [Groggily] “Good morning cutie-pie”
[Look at clock – time registers – shock and dismay set in]
Me: “R, It’s too early! Your clock isn’t green yet. Go back to bed!”
R: [Whining] “No”
Me: “Please go into your room and check to see what color your clock is. If it’s not green yet, please go back to bed.”
R: “OK…”
[At this point I’m relieved and shocked at how easily he agreed to listen to me]
R: “… You come with me.”
Me: [With increasing frustration] “I’m not coming with you. You’re a big boy, go by yourself.”
R: [Loud whining] “Yes! You will come with me!”
Me: [Getting testy] “You have 2 choices: come into my bed and stay quiet so that I can go back to sleep, or go back to your bed. But I am NOT going with you!”

Cue tantrum.

This is the point at which I told him to leave my room if he couldn’t stop crying.

Didn’t work.

I then escorted a screaming, struggling child at 6:20 in the morning to his room to witness the color of his clock – yellow. I instructed him to get back into his bed.

He refused.

I – huffily – agreed to allow him to come into my bed as long as he remained silent until I told him it was okay to wake up. This worked for about 15 minutes until he started requesting a drink.

Long story short, I was not very “nice” to my son during that 45 minute exchange. Yes, he broke a rule (stay in bed until the light turns green), and no he did not speak nicely to me or listen to me when I asked him to do something (shocking!), but my reaction was probably not called for. I could have lived without those 45 minutes of sleep (it wasn’t exactly quality sleep after that exchange anyway). I also – had I not been influenced by my desire to sleep – may have been able to handle it in a kinder and more productive manner.

Will R come out of bed tomorrow before his clock turns green? Probably not. Do I feel good about how I spent my limited time with my son before leaving for work this morning? Definitely not.

Now all I can do is learn from this.

If this were a business situation, what would I have done?

An analogous business situation might be if I had provided clear direction to someone (say, an agency) on a project and they chose to disregard the direction, yielding an unsatisfactory result. I have dealt with similar situations in the workplace – how would I address this one?

For starters, there would be no yelling or screaming. I would take the time to collect my thoughts and provide feedback in a firm and constructive manner.

I would let the agency know that its results were not satisfactory and it was because they ignored my direction. I would make sure it was clear that that is not acceptable to me. I would make recommendations as to how they could improve on this in the future. It’s okay if they don’t always agree with my way of doing things. However, let’s have a discussion and make sure we’re aligned on the way forward. Don’t just go ahead, without consulting me, and assume I’ll be okay with the result. That doesn’t work and is a waste of everyone’s time.

OK – so how does that attitude apply to a not quite rational 3 year old? The first 2 elements of my business analogy are key:
A) No screaming or yelling
B) Take the time to collect my thoughts and organize my response in my head.

The other lesson learned from the analogy is to allow a certain amount of flexibility. The way I want to do things may not work for R all the time. I doesn’t mean that I have to accept his way of doing things, but we can try to work together to find something that works for both of us.

A better solution may have been to avoid a fight by allowing him into my bed on the condition that he remains quiet. Then, when I was more awake and thinking more clearly, I could have explained to him why he should have stayed in bed and even provided some incentive for him to stay in bed tomorrow (make it into a contest? Who can stay in bed longer?).

As I approach my new 24/7 Mommy job, I know I will have to be more thoughtful in my interactions with my children so that we all remain happy and sane. This morning’s disaster was a good wake-up call (pun kind of intended) from which I can hopefully learn in order to improve and grow as I undertake this new venture.

What would you have done?

I've Just Decided to Take a New Job ...

Job Title: Full Time Mommy

Job Description:

• Manage day-to-day activities, wellbeing and mental health of 2 young children (and their father too).


• Strategic management of children’s education and future


• Will involve great joy as well as great frustration.
  

Key Responsibilities:

• Make sure children are fed, bathed, napped, dry. Wipe noses, tushies and clean up vomit as needed.


• Drive carpool and learn carpool line etiquette (may involve a Blackberry and a Kindle)


• Handle discipline with care and consistency


• Provide a lot of love (and receive it in return)


• Take note of every cute anecdote to report back to father and grandparents
  

Candidate Requirements:

• No experience required


• A lot of patience


• A lot of love


• Common sense


• Willingness to spend extended periods of time with no adult interaction


• Ability to cook an entire meal with 2 kids screaming, one who insists on being carried and the other holding on to your leg.

Measure of success:

• Well adjusted, happy children
  

About the employers:

R is almost 4 years old. He is a very smart, funny and playful little boy. He LOVES dinosaurs. Before he LOVED dinosaurs, he LOVED trucks and trains (now, he will let you know, he only LIKES trucks and trains). He also likes Superheroes, but hasn’t really figured that whole thing out just yet (he keeps insisting that he wants Wolverine toothpaste – does that even exist?!). He also LOVES his baby sister and doesn’t always realize that his “loving” cheek pinching, etc… is a form of torture to her. His favorite color is Orange. He insists that his mommy’s favorite color has to be pink or purple because she’s a girl. R can be very stubborn. HE knows the best way to do many things and doesn’t want to hear otherwise. He has a quick trigger temper which can easily turn into a tantrum. Any candidate has to be prepared to both have long conversations about dinosaurs, and manage screaming, kicking, tantrums on a regular basis.

B is 1 ½. She is very much a girly-girl. She loves babies, hair bows, bracelets and purses. She goes into the closet every day and can’t wait to pick out a pretty dress and put on her shoes. She loves Mommy’s shoes too. She is a smiley, good natured, joy to be around. She has a great sense of humor and delights in being playful. She LOVES her big brother, except for when he chooses to torture her. She has not yet started her terrible 2’s, and there may be reason to be afraid. She’s not as verbal as R was at this age, and he was an easy baby once too… But there’s always hope that her good-natured, easy going attitude will continue.


Let me back up…

I quit my job yesterday. I’m going to be a full-time, stay-at-home mom. I’m terrified.

I’m 33. I have an MBA from a top school. I have 10 years of corporate work experience. I’ve taken many tests and gone on many job interviews in my life. And this one scares me more then all of them. The stakes are higher.

Will I screw up my kids?
Will I still like my kids?
Will I be able to keep my kids entertained so that they don’t chew me up and spit me out?
Will I be bored?
Will I fail?

I don’t like to fail. And I definitely don’t want to fail when it comes to my family. If I don’t like being a stay-at-home mom, or am not good at it, does that make me a bad mother?

I don’t think it does. And in order to alleviate my fear, I’m going into this with what I believe to be a healthy attitude: I’ll try this out for a few months. If it’s not working out, I’ll go back to work. After all, that’s the way I’d approach any new job – if it doesn’t work out, look for something that will work better.

This is how – after years of schooling and working – my brain operates. I am able to approach challenges logically and productively, when I view them as business challenges. If I view them as personal challenges, I’m more likely to react emotionally – and then it all goes to hell!

So, I’m going to be running a business – my family. This blog will document how I approach family situations as business challenges – and you can all see if it works out for me.

As you will find in the business world, some businesses are smaller and scrappier, and some have more resources that enable the executives to focus on the big picture. I’m fortunate enough to be a business with resources. I will have some help to keep things clean and occasionally help out with the kids. But I will be careful not to let this resource do my job for me. I will still drive carpool and make sure my children are eating balanced, healthy meals. I will be involved in their schooling and plan fun, constructive activities. I will make sure they understand that there are consequences for their actions, but will also know that they are always loved unconditionally.

I have 13 days left until I start my new job.

Any advice?